Love: a Think Piece

Hasn’t it been so strange to be so unknown? To feel like you have been calling out for ages into an endless dark and not even your echo comes back to you? It’s like taking your heart and being like, “here it is,” and they say, “no, it’s not.” I feel like I have been the biggest believer of love, but I’ve also fallen victim to my rage, to my grief. Both of which molded me. Yes! I finally feel like I’m writing the truth for the very first time. I believe in love. I want love. I want to be wanted. But I’ve always seen love a certain way. I want love to be BIG. Mediocre love has always scared me. I don’t want the “just because” love or love that only looks golden once its held in the light a certain way. I want transformative love. Love that is going to take me at my weakest form and say, “You are the strongest light I have ever known and I’m glad I know you” and “I am better, not because of you, but with you.” With you. Just with you. I don’t want love that was put in a corner. I don’t want love with a mask over its face. I don’t want sugar-coated love or watered-down love. I want raw and honest love. I want real, massive, transcendental love. There are girls I know who put themselves on the back burner, girls I know who sit through bad love because it’s anything, girls I know who hold themselves like moths to a flame. And it’s not their fault—it’s never their fault, but there’s enough rage in me for them. Don’t you deserve more of a story? Why didn’t you search for it? Why did you settle? Why didn’t you keep looking? This kind of love tires me, turns me inside out. I don’t even know if I truly know the love I am searching for, just that I know it should be monumental. Just that I know I want it to be big enough to swallow me so that I shout with joy. Just that I know it isn’t this wilting. It isn’t holding your hand inside the fire. Love is your body walking out of the grave. So maybe it isn’t monumental after all. Maybe what I’m looking for isn’t big love, but whole love. Love that mends you, in some way. I know people can’t save you, but can’t love? Isn’t that the point? Isn’t there a love out there that’s big enough to hold you?